The State of Things

I’ve been wondering what to do with this blog now that we are where we are. I thought about why I started it in the first place. I needed a place to air my anxieties about the IVF process. I needed a place where I could keep people updated on where we were, without having to actually talk to people in person. And I liked having the chance to talk about everything we were going through, in case other people going through a similar process wanted my perspective.

Now things are different. I don’t have any anxiety about this pregnancy, which continues to surprise me every day. I thought for sure I would be a mess after the mind f*ck that is infertility, but other than my nervous breakdown between beta #2 and #3, I’ve been very zen about this whole pregnancy thing. Even the twin thing didn’t throw me. Plus, I’m perfectly happy to talk about things in real life, so I don’t need this secret blog to keep people up-dated. I can do that on my personal (although sorely neglected as of late) blog. And finally, do people really need to know how pregnancy works? It’s such a unique experience for everyone, and a lot of times, if you have had to deal with or are dealing with IF, you don’t really want to hear all the complaints (seriously, none of my pants fit and it’s not because of the belly) or excitement (more fascinated than excited–there are actually humans inside of me). I’m not going to stop writing about this, because I need to remember it for me and for the babies. I just don’t think this is the right venue anymore.

So with that, I’m retiring the blog. And will resume my posting on our other blog. You are all welcome to join me over there… it will be more “here’s what we did this weekend” and less “here’s what my follicles are doing” but I promise, it won’t be all baby all the time. And perhaps the influx of new readers (do I even have any readers left over here?) will inspire me to update.

And I still do read blogs! I’ve just taken to reading on my phone more than my computer, which makes commenting a royal PITA. But know that I’m following each and every one of you, and continue to be your cheerleader as you all have been there for me.

Posted in Random Musings | 1 Comment

Moving right along.

I’m starting to relax and allow myself to start thinking about having actual babies. I have been bookmarking crafts from this lovely blog of baby things I want to make, and yesterday made my first trip to the fabric store. This weekend I’m hitting the yarn store. Eventually I need to find a better fabric store. JoAnn’s is convenient, but they don’t have the nicest fabrics. There is a quilt store in the neighborhood which is nice, so once I decide what kind of quilts I want to make I’ll probably head there and see what I can find. Since I have two weeks in Montana coming up, I want to make sure I have enough crafty stuff to work on while I’m there. It will be a good time to get stuff done!

I had an OB appointment today. I like my OB. She seems to understand my need for information, and we spent the entire appointment answering my lengthy list of questions. What I learned today:

  • If Twin A is head down, we can try for a vaginal delivery
  • We will attempt this delivery in the OR, because sometimes after the first baby is delivered, the second baby’s placenta is expelled and then they have to do an emergency C-section, so it’s best to be in the OR ready to go just in case
  • Because of the possibility of an emergency C-section, they also recommend an epidural. Otherwise they have to do general anesthesia for the C-section and you are asleep when Baby B make its appearance
  • Thus, I will not be planning for a natural birth. Which is ok by me. Especially if Baby B is heading out feet first. Apparently they have to reach in and grab it, and I would prefer not to feel that.
  • I don’t need a high risk OB since they are di-di twins, which means they each have their own sac and their own placenta. I’m still at risk for pre-term labor, but overall di-di twins are the lowest risk twins.
  • They use the old criteria for gestational diabetes screening, but my OB uses a lower cut-off (she follows the ADA guidelines instead of the ACOG guidelines). This is only interesting to me because I’m a diabetes dork.
  • I should gain 35 to 40 lbs.
  • Since my prenatal vitamins are making me gag, I can take two Flintstone chewables instead. Yay!!
  • We scheduled all my appointments from now through December. Luckily most of those could be scheduled on Wednesday afternoons, which are my afternoons off.
  • Next visit we do the quad screen and schedule the anatomy scan. We still aren’t finding out the genders unless Adam changes his mind in the next 7 weeks.

So that is the end of the first trimester. Next appointment is sometime in July. I still haven’t decided if pregnancy stuff will continue here, or if I’ll consolidate into our general blog. Our poor general blog is being neglected. It needs some attention.

Posted in Random Musings | 3 Comments

13 weeks? Really?

Somehow we’ve made it to the end of the first trimester (or will be there as of Saturday). I’m not really sure how this happened. The only indication that I am pregnant is the constant nausea and the unbelievable bloat after I eat too much. Oh, and the little people you can see in my belly on ultrasound:



They were flipping around, literally bouncing off the uterine walls today. One waved at us, the other hit himself in the face. Please note, when I refer to genders it is just for convenience. As of now we will not be finding out genders before they actually get here. There are so few surprises left it life…

Things are going well. I’m done with my fellowship next week. Although I am still supposed to write a paper, and there is no way that will be done next week, so I guess I will be doing some writing from the lake. I have the entire month of July off, most of which will be spent out of town (two weeks at Flathead Lake in Montana, one week at the Jersey Shore). July 30th I start my new job. Finally, after who knows how many years of education I will *finally* be doing what I’ve been training to do. I just need to tell them about the monkeys in my belly and hope they don’t fight me on my planned 4 months off. I don’t think they will. They need me and it will take them longer to find someone to fill the spot than the 4 months I will be gone.

It is all so not exciting. I mean, it is exciting. It’s very exciting. But it is still so unreal, that it is hard to believe after everything we’ve been through this is really happening. So it is a very calm excitement, but calm excitement is about all I have the energy for these days. Seriously, I just want to nap all the time. Thank goodness for upcoming vacations!!

Posted in Random Musings | 4 Comments

What next?

I’m not really sure where to go with this blog now. Things are pretty boring day to day. Once you get through those initial weeks of “oh my God I’m pregnant! With twins!” it all just sort of reverts back to normal life. Which actually, has been pretty surprising for me. I was convinced I would be a nervous wreck throughout pregnancy, wondering when something bad was going to happen. After all, bad things happen. You spend enough time in the infertility world and you see all the bad things that can happen. But I’ve been surprisingly calm. I’m tired. I’m lazy. And I’m nauseous. But I’m not anxious. And without anxiety, I really don’t have much to talk about. Especially since I’m going to bed at 8 pm every night–that doesn’t leave much time for anything else!

I started this blog as a way to keep friends and family up to date on where we were with the IVF process, because I didn’t want anyone asking me any questions. I wanted them to be able to get the answers they wanted without having to go through me. It worked wonderfully, and along the way I met so many other wonderful people going through their own IF journeys. I never really thought about what would come of this when we were successful.

In the midst of our IF struggles, I stopped reading many a blog when pregnancy became the focus. I have even been known to stop reading cooking blogs when I suspected the writer was on the verge of a pregnancy announcement (it’s amazing how good I am at predicting that!). It was hard to see the women who had been my “cycle buddies” go on to have their totally normal pregnancies and totally normal babies while I was getting left behind, yet again. But over time, I’ve returned to their blogs, to their stories and love following their pregnancies.

I guess it comes down to whether I’m writing this for a certain audience, or whether I’m writing this for me, and that I don’t know the answer to. We’ll see how things develop… once we go public I may just consolidate all things baby-related onto my personal blog. And if I do, I’ll be sure to let you know so those who care to follow the development of the peanuts can do so. For now, no news is good news. NT scan is June 20th. And I’m going to Philly for a week on Wednesday. Hope the babies like cheesesteaks!!

Posted in Random Musings | 6 Comments


I didn’t give you the full story from ultrasound #1. We had a few people we wanted to surprise and since they read this blog, I had to keep a few details to myself.

So let’s go back to Tuesday last week. I was nervous, but fairly confident we would see something (there had to be some explanation for my non-stop nausea!). Dr. L came in and said “I’m just as anxious as you are. Let’s see what we have.” After a few seconds she said, “it looks good!” and turned the screen so A and I could see the black blob in my uterus. She pointed out the fetus and the yolk sac and then the heartbeat. It was a tiny little flutter, but it was definitely there.

She shifted the ultrasound probe to get a look at the entire sac, back and forth, back and forth, and said “do you see what I see?” And I did see what she was looking at–a second sac. She quickly pointed out a second embryo, a second yolk sac and a second heartbeat. It was twins!!! One was measuring a few days behind, but both had perfect heartbeats.

The Beans at 6 Weeks

She took a bunch of pictures, and a bunch of measurements and stepped out of the room to get some paperwork. When she came back, the entire clinic was with her: Dr. Z, nurse E and S, and they all had these huge smiles on their faces. I know I’ve said before that I love my clinic, but I really really do. I love that they all know me and I know all of them and they are truly excited for us. It is wonderful.

Ultrasound #2 was Friday. I was a nervous wreck, because I just feel off. I don’t know if I have been feeling off because this is my new normal, and this is how you feel when you are growing people inside of you. Or if I felt off because something was wrong. So it was a great relief when Dr. L took one look at the ultrasound screen and said “everything looks beautiful.” We have two babies, one still 2 days behind the other but both totally in the normal range. Both with strong beautiful heartbeats. One standing on its head, the other hanging out up-right.

The Beans at 8 Weeks

Yesterday, I graduated from the RE clinic, which is so bittersweet. I love them all there. They are such wonderful people and so caring. I can only hope the OB is as good at dealing with my neuroses. We will find out next week with my first appointment. I decided to stay at the university. There is a hospital near our house with a midwife service, but with twins and being old, I would feel better being with an OB, so the U is probably a better choice. Plus it will be convenient for work, since I will just be next door. And it shares clinic space with my RE, so I can always sneak back over to say to everyone when I feel the need for a little extra love.

Relief is setting in, as I realize everything is finally going perfectly. But the panic is starting to creep in as well because holy crap. We are going to have two babies. AT THE SAME TIME!! It’s a crazy place to be right now. But exciting. Life is going to be so much more fun in about 8 months…

Posted in FET#2 | 7 Comments


Boring is good, but doesn’t give me much to write about. We another 4 days before US #2 (Friday). There’s nothing I can do in between to ensure that everything is going well. If morning sickness is any indication of a healthy pregnancy, then we are doing just fine. Although I would like to point out that morning sickness is a misnomer. Twenty-four hour nausea would be a more apt description. I feel fine as long as I’m eating (mostly), but if I go more than an hour without putting something in my mouth I feel that queasiness that I have previously only associated with a hangover. Some things work better to allay the nausea (Greek yogurt, milk, melon, peanut butter, cheese), some things seem to make it worse (crackers, carrots, apples). It’s a constant experiment. By the evening I usually just don’t feel like eating at all.Last night I have about 3 bites of dinner, then ate some ice cream and cheese. Calcium, it’s healthy, right?

I’m exhausted, but feeling like I want to start exercising again. I took Wylie for a walk the other morning, and my heart rate stayed a pretty consistent 120-130. While walking. Geez. Running is definitely out of the question. I get short of breath walking up stairs now. I do need to get back to the gym though. I’m turning into flab. And without running, I’m not doing much to improve my muscle tone. We do finally have consistently nice weather though, so I’m back to biking to work.

That’s really all that has been going on. I’m very hopeful that things will look good on our ultrasound on Friday, but I’m nervous as well. You spend enough time in the company of women trying to get pregnant, and you know all the things that can go wrong along the way. Everything looked perfect last week, so I’m believing everything will look perfect on Friday and I’m trying my best not to worry. It’s hard though, after everything we’ve been through to get to this point to believe that this is actually happening. It’s surreal.


Posted in FET#2 | 4 Comments

It Really Worked

The ultrasound was beautiful. Everything measuring where it should. Heart beating at 122 bpm. Beautiful. We have one more ultrasound next week with the RE before she kicks me out and makes me go see a regular OB. Hopefully everything will still look good then, and maybe then I will accept that this really worked. Because now I still feel like I’m teetering on a narrow rail waiting to fall one way or another, but hoping I actually make it safely to the other end.

Posted in FET#2 | 9 Comments