This used to be fun

We are on a “break cycle” for the next few months. That means we aren’t doing any treatments, and are trying things the old fashioned way again. I don’t know why I expect to be successful with this, given that almost 2 years of trying has gotten us nowhere. I guess it is the lack of obvious problem–if we don’t have any known issues keeping us from conceiving we should have a chance when trying on our own.

At first, being on a break cycle is nice. There are no meds to take, no crazy hormonal side effects, no monitoring appointments to see how well the meds are working. But then my obsessive self emerges. I can’t just let things go and happen on their own. I feel I must optimize our chances of getting pregnant. I must know when I ovulate. I must plan sex at the optimal times. And it makes me a crazy person and takes all the fun out of something that used to be fun.

I can’t let go though. I can’t stop taking ovulation tests. I can’t stop counting the days of the cycle, analyzing cervical fluid and cervical position. And I can’t stop worrying that we are getting the timing wrong and that’s why we haven’t gotten pregnant yet.

Luckily, I am the only crazy one in this relationship. It was pointed out to me last night that in two years, if truly nothing was wrong, we would have gotten the timing right by accident. My obessive planning has not kept us from getting pregnant. And if nothing else, the four IUI’s we have done, when the timing was absolutely perfect, would have worked if there weren’t a problem.

I wish I could let go. I wish I could stop feeling like this was somehow my fault. I wish we could do this the way most couples do. They have no idea how lucky they are.

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