As we get closer and closer to actually starting our IVF, I’m starting to get more and more scared. IVF was always the one thing we had if things didn’t work out. If our IUI’s failed, that’s ok, because there’s always IVF. If the injectable meds didn’t work, that was ok, because there was always IVF. But what if IVF doesn’t work? Yes, I know there are still options (adoption, etc) but those aren’t options for us. At least not right now. So I’m scared. And the fear has worked its way into my subconscious.
Last night I had a dream that we had our egg retrieval. As they pulled out the eggs, they put them on a microscope and watched them divide right there. They took egg after egg after egg, and at the end, we only had three that divided properly. I was incredibly upset. My doctor told me that it was ok, she was sure everything would work out, but that just upset me more. I told her she would never understand because she already had kids. Then she started crying. Apparently even in my dreams I feel the need to take care of everyone, so I sat down and apologized and tried to make her feel better. She said it was so hard to leave her daughter at day care every day, so she understood what I was going through. I pointed out that infertility was not the same as leaving your child at daycare. It was like leaving your child at daycare, and never being allowed to pick them up (I thought that was pretty profound of my subconscious to come up with!).
Next thing I know, I’m in the embryology lab yelling at the nurses because I was convinced they had given me the wrong dose of meds and that was why we had only gotten 3 eggs. As I’m going over the amounts of medications that I had taken, my boss walks in. Now in real life, my RE does work with some of the people in my department, but not my boss. My boss does research in obesity, he has nothing to do with fertility. Nevertheless, in my dream he was working with my RE. I was mortified that he saw me, but we both did a good job of ignoring each other, and eventually he left.
All of a sudden I’m in a cabana, by a hotel pool (don’t you love how dreams jump around? This seemed a perfectly reasonable transition in my dream). I look in the water, and there is an Orca whale swimming around. He’s jumping and flapping his tail around and it is really spectacular. I really want to take a picture, but I can’t get my cell phone camera to work. I try and try and can’t do it, which makes me even more frustrated and angry and then I wake up.
I was chatting about this dream with some of my internet friends, and one suggested I check out the Dream Dictionary to help figure out the whale part. Honestly, I think it’s pretty obvious what the first part of the dream was about–I’m terrified about IVF failing. As for my boss, I’m also going through a career decision crisis right now, so I’m stressed out about that too. But the whale? Well, according to the Dream Dictionary, a whale symbolizes feeling overwhelmed by a situations. Finding yourself in a cabana reflects your need to get away and escape from something, while a broken camera indicates you are unwilling or unable to see the whole picture.
And it all makes sense… One more month, and hopefully this will all be over and I’ll have two lines on a pregnancy test that will make it all worth it. And hopefully no more dreams of whales or cabanas or cameras (or nachos, which apparently indicate a need to pursue more leisurely activities).