A bakers dozen

First monitoring appointment was yesterday, and there are 13 eggs growing at exactly the same rate. Which is perfect. There was one outlier, but it was only a bit ahead of the other so nothing to worry about. After 5 days of stims they want to see that a good number of eggs have been recruited, and the goal is to get them all to grow at the same rate. You don’t want one jumping out ahead because that one will make too much estrogen and keep the other eggs from growing.

I will keep on the same dose of meds, and hope I don’t have to do more than 10 days because if I do, I will have to go pick up another pen of Gonal-F for another $100. I know, that’s not bad, but after maxing out the credit card yesterday paying for this cycle, I’m not keen to spend more money right now. Sunday is my next monitoring visit, and hopefully then we will get a good idea as to when the trigger date will be.

I thought the hardest part of IVF would be the meds and the side effects and the shots. Really, those have been easy. The hardest part is the waiting and the uncertainty. Five days of shots, and no idea what was going on. Yesterday I got reassurance that my ovaries are acting appropriately, but now I have no idea if they are all going to grow at the right rate over the next three days, so I’m going to worry about that until Sunday. Then I’m going to worry about how many of those follicles are going to have mature eggs. Then I’m going to worry whether or not anything is going to fertilize while we wait for the fertilization report (which we will get the day after retrival). Then for the next few days, I will worry about how well they grow. If we go to a 5 day transfer, I’ll spend a few days worrying about whether the eggs will make it to 5 days. Then after transfer, I’m going to worry about whether we will have anything to freeze, and for the 10 days after transfer I’ll be worrying about whether the embryo will stick.

The unfortunate part is that the worrying will never stop. I don’t know if this is something unique to IF, or just to pregnancy in general. I don’t think I will be able to relax at any point along the way. Nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to up until now. I don’t know how I can accept that things will go well from here on out. I just hope that if this IVF does work, I am able to find some way to enjoy the experience of pregnancy, rather than worrying the whole time. IF has robbed me of so much, I don’t want it to rob me of that too.

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2 Responses to A bakers dozen

  1. Kathleen says:

    Two things – 1. There is the reason the PAIF board exists – IF creates all kinds of neuroses that are very long lasting. 2. Talking to a friend who had a scare early in pregnancy, she told me a story about how at the end of an appointment when she (thankfully) learned everything was fine, she asked her doctor – I’m not sure how much more of this worrying and anxiety I can take. When does it stop? When do I start to feel comfortable?

    His response? When your kids turn 18 it gets a *little* better.

    I wish I could take the worry away, but I am sending lots of positive thoughts and successful IVF vibes your way!!

  2. Mrs. E says:

    Hi cycle buddy! I’m sorry that you’re as anxious as I am, but I’m glad we’re not alone. I hope your appointment goes well on Sunday! I’m excited for an update. Lots of positive vibes heading your way =)

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