The in between time

You haven’t missed much with my lack of posting. There’s really not much going on right now. I increase my estrogen dose today, I have a monitoring appointment on Wednesday and if all looks good we will do the transfer a week from Thursday. I keep going back and forth on my emotions with this. I see pregnant women, and I want that. I want that so badly, which is definitely progress from my previous emotions of hating all pregnant women. But then part of me wants to figure out where I am going with my life, before adding a baby on top of everything.

Most of the time, I try to keep the two separate. I am moving on two parallel paths right now–baby and job. I know in reality the two are not separate, since I can’t divide my life into compartments. If I don’t think about them as separate issues though, I get overwhelmed and can’t make any decisions about anything.

It’s hard for me not to have a million different contingency plans. I have always had contingency plans. If this happens, then we do this. If this other thing happens, then we do this other things. But after two years of contingency plans, I’m making myself crazy. I’m trying a new approach now… wait for something to happen before deciding what to do about it. For now, I’m focusing on work and finishing up this paper I need to write. I’m planning for our house guests for Thanksgiving. And I’m trying to find a job. Hopefully keeping my mind occupied will keep me from going crazy, obsessing over this next cycle. I could use a month without crazy.

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One Response to The in between time

  1. Mom says:

    If I were younger, Tracy, I’d offer to carry for you. But I think I’m too old to be a contingency plan. I have a good feeling about this cycle. Last weekend, we were in Innsbruck, I saw a church steeple and said, “let’s go see that church.” It was just beautiful and they were having mass. We stood in the back and Illona leaned over and said, “you are standing under the statue of St. Anthony. He is the one helping Tracy to have a baby. Maybe you should ask him again for his help.” So, I did.

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