When I have patients with hypothyroidism, they often don’t realize just how bad they feel until we get them started on medication. They are depressed, tired, lethargic, unmotivated but don’t realize it until they are on the right dose of medication. I think fertility treatments have a similar effect. All the hormones and stress have made me tired and depressed and unhappy, but I didn’t realize just how tired and depressed and unhappy I was. I was reluctant to take this much time off. I was ready to go with FET #2 in January, but A wanted to wait. I fought him on that one. I didn’t understand why he wanted to put this off. I think he saw what I didn’t–that I was unhappy and under a lot of stress–and that wasn’t a good way to be heading into another cycle. Over time, I’ve come to realize he was right.
It has been a hard year. We had our first IUI in January 2011. I have been on some form of hormones for 11 out of the last 12 months. Add that to failed cycle after failed cycle, without any explanation, and wondering if you are ever going to be a mother… it’s no wonder I was depressed. Who wouldn’t be? I think I’ve reached a turning point with this break, though. Yes, I will be sad if FET #2 doesn’t work, but we will do one more IVF and hopefully we will have some success with that. But if we don’t, it’s not the end of the road. We have options. I’m not sure when we will be ready to start pursuing other options, but I know they are there.
The last few weeks I have remembered that I am a happy person. I was watching a movie snuggling on the couch with the husband and the dog, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. At book group last month a friend commented on how I seemed to be really happy, and I realized I was. And this weekend we took off for a weekend of cross country skiing, and felt like myself again. I’m happier now than I have been since we started down this road. There have been more struggles than I ever could have imagined, and it has been hard. So very hard. I was lost for awhile, but I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I think I’m ready for round 2.