Changing the Past

I had a therapy appointment this morning. I’m going less frequently now, as I’m feeling better about where I am with our treatments. We talked a lot about how this process has changed my outlook. When we started, IVF was this scary thing. The end of the road. And I was so afraid to move to IVF, because if it failed we were done. There was nothing left to do. But now were are there, and I realize we are so far from the end of the road. We will do our FET in April. If we need to do another IVF we can. And even if that doesn’t work, it’s not the end. There is hope, and that’s something that I haven’t had in awhile. I feel hopeful again.

I think infertility has also changed my relationships with people, in a good way for the most part. I am so glad I chose to share this journey with my close friends. I feel we are better friends for having gone through this together. I have my own cheering section, which is an amazing feeling. I have a group of people I have never met, who send me their left over meds (which saved me $400). They have shared their meditation CDs so I can continue to work on getting into the right mental state before our FET. They share their wisdom and experience. And I never would have met any of these amazing people had we not shared this challenge.

I also think I will treasure motherhood more than I ever could have imagined after struggling to reach this point. When we first decided to start trying to have children, a large part of my reasoning was that it was the right time. I wanted to have a baby after my first year of fellowship so that pregnancy, etc. would not interfere with my training and my work. It was part of the plan. Now, I would give anything to have a baby. The timing doesn’t matter. The plan is out the window. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. Yes, if things had worked, I would have loved being a mother. But I think having to struggle and work for it, changes my priorities, and I feel better about choosing to be a mother because I *want* to be a mother, rather than choosing to do so because it is the right *time* for it. It’s kind of fun living life without a plan. It’s scary and uncomfortable at times, but it’s also exciting and when things do work out, it will be amazing.

At the end of my appointment the question came up whether I would change things if I could go back in time and not have to deal with infertility. If my plan had worked, and we had gotten pregnant when I had wanted to, would I want to go back and do that? It was a lot harder to answer that question than I thought it would be. Yes, the last year has been horrible and difficult and emotional and really really hard. But the good things that have come from this struggle, have been so good. Once we have a baby, I can leave the struggle and pain behind eventually, but those good things will always be with me. So honestly, I don’t know. I would love to be able to have a baby without all the crazy interventions and cost that we have had to put forth, but I’m not sure I would want to give up everything that I have gained from this struggle. Ask me again when we have a baby. Maybe I will have an answer then.

 

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2 Responses to Changing the Past

  1. That is a really hard question to answer. I’m not sure what I even think about that for myself. It sure is wonderful to have your own little cheerleaders! I have a group of my closest girlfriends who know about what we’re going through and it makes me so happy to have the support!

  2. Cristy says:

    I can’t think of anyone who’s been on this road who hasn’t been confronted with that question of “what if.” But I’m in agreement with you: infertility is an awesome thing, but there has been some wonderful things that have come out of this journey. My relationships are stronger (especially with Grey), I’ve learned so much and I’ve met so many wonderful people who I wouldn’t have otherwise. Would I swap that out for being able to get pregnant right away? Honestly, I don’t know. But I think I’m in a better place now that I was a year ago because of this community. Glad the appointment with the therapist was productive and looking forward to the next stage of your journey!

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