I decided after our failed FET that the one thing I could do differently this time around would be to think positively. Everything else was out of my hands. Our embryos are what they are–frozen and waiting for us. There’s not much you can do to change up the protocol, but we are switching the progesterone from Crinone to PIO. If nothing else, that will let us monitor progesterone levels. Positive thinking though–that’s all up to me.
I started running again, but am spending more time walking these days. After last time, when the bleeding started after a run, I’m a bit nervous about running. Walking I enjoy. I even dragged our silly dog with me this morning (have you ever met a dog who *didn’t* like to go for walks? Let me introduce you to Wylie…). Physically I feel good, just a bit fat and I’m blaming the estrogen for that. My legs are swollen, and the only way you can gain 8 lbs in 2 weeks is from water weight gain. The mental part is harder. I have struggled with thinking positive thoughts, worried that somehow I was doing it wrong. My meditation CDs have helped, as a big part of the meditations has been emphasizing the fact that how you visualize things doesn’t matter. You *can’t* do it wrong which is reassuring. Even though my mind tends to wander, and I still find myself thinking “what if this doesn’t work” from time to time, overall I’m in a much better place mentally.
There are challenges to my attempts to think positively however. In the last week, I’ve known 3 people to get +HPTs and great betas, all following a failed IVF cycle. All but one have since lost their pregnancies. I have such complex feelings about this. I am so so sad for them, having been through two losses myself. I can’t say I know how they feel, everyone experiences loss in a different way. But I can say I know how hard it is to face the uncertainty of IVF–something that I always believed would work even if nothing else did. It’s so far from a sure thing, yet it is all we have. And now going into our third attempt, I wonder how this is going to work for us when it hasn’t worked for others. Even if it does work, when will I believe it? When will I be able to relax? When will I truly consider myself pregnant? And I feel selfish, that I have made their losses about me. I am sad for them, but I’m scared for me. So I want to pretend none of this has happened, I want to put myself in a bubble where only good things happen, I want to believe that this will work.
I wish it were easier. I wish there was more certainty in the world. I wish this made sense.