I wish I was the type of person who got a positive pregnancy test and thought, “Yay! We are going to have a baby!” Instead, I’m the kind of person who gets a positive pregnancy test and two appropriately increasing blood tests and proceeds to have a panic attack. Why? Because everything is too normal, and everything was perfectly normal last time and we all know how that turned out.
Beta #1 was 153, beta #2 was 269. The general belief is the the level should double every 48 hours. It didn’t, but according to Dr. Google, doubling time should be 48 to 72 hours and mine was 58 hours so perfectly normal. I keep hoping for something different this time though. A higher first beta… a stronger increase to the second beta… anything that makes me feel like we are heading towards a different outcome. So far it has all been the same, and the sameness terrifies me.
I called my acupuncturist as soon as the panic set it, and luckily she was able to get me in for an emergency session. I lay down and promptly started crying. I’ve been holding it together for too long. My positive facade finally broke and I realized just how terrified I am. I felt better after the session. I went for a much needed post-dinner walk with the husband and the dog. But I’m still scared.
I want so badly to continue my positive line of thinking, because I really feel like that is the only thing I have control over. But I also worry that it is too much pressure to put on myself. I am hopeful. These are our “underdog” embryos, and I’ve always been a big believer in the underdogs. I am scared. I’m afraid of what tomorrow’s blood test will show. I’m afraid that this low grade cramping I’ve had all week is something more than side effects from the progesterone or implantation. But today, I am still pregnant. So I’m going to do my best to focus on that since that is really the only thing that matters.