The Good and the Bad

I wish I was the type of person who got a positive pregnancy test and thought, “Yay! We are going to have a baby!” Instead, I’m the kind of person who gets a positive pregnancy test and two appropriately increasing blood tests and proceeds to have a panic attack. Why? Because everything is too normal, and everything was perfectly normal last time and we all know how that turned out.

Beta #1 was 153, beta #2 was 269. The general belief is the the level should double every 48 hours. It didn’t, but according to Dr. Google, doubling time should be 48 to 72 hours and mine was 58 hours so perfectly normal. I keep hoping for something different this time though. A higher first beta… a stronger increase to the second beta… anything that makes me feel like we are heading towards a different outcome. So far it has all been the same, and the sameness terrifies me.

I called my acupuncturist as soon as the panic set it, and luckily she was able to get me in for an emergency session. I lay down and promptly started crying. I’ve been holding it together for too long. My positive facade finally broke and I realized just how terrified I am. I felt better after the session. I went for a much needed post-dinner walk with the husband and the dog. But I’m still scared.

I want so badly to continue my positive line of thinking, because I really feel like that is the only thing I have control over. But I also worry that it is too much pressure to put on myself. I am hopeful. These are our “underdog” embryos, and I’ve always been a big believer in the underdogs. I am scared. I’m afraid of what tomorrow’s blood test will show. I’m afraid that this low grade cramping I’ve had all week is something more than side effects from the progesterone or implantation. But today, I am still pregnant. So I’m going to do my best to focus on that since that is really the only thing that matters.

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12 Responses to The Good and the Bad

  1. I am the same way. The doc says everything is fine, then I pick the one thing that I could potentially worry about and then freak out and try to google it. Just remember, there is a large range of normal!

  2. Cristy says:

    NO!! Tracy, I’m hoping! Hoping that it’s just that them settling in and nothing else. Sending you love and continuing to hold onto the hope that all will be well.

  3. JM says:

    Today, you are pregnant, and for now? I’m going to hold onto that and pray that nothing changes. Well, I’ll pray that the numbers start going up faster, but that you stay pregnant for another 8 to 9 months!

  4. Tracy says:

    Wishing you peace and strength…I know how hard this part is.

  5. CanCornK says:

    Have been thinking of you constantly. Tough days suck, but I will keep believing for you today while you regain some positive energy. Love and miss you.

  6. St. Elsewhere says:

    I know its terrifying.

    I hope that life has changed for you already…that this is not like the previous two…


  7. Trisha says:

    Sending you positive thoughts this morning for your repeat beta. Hoping everything is just fine.

  8. Tami says:

    I know it is hard to not compare them, but this is NOT your last pregnancy. This pregnancy will have its own independent path. Keeping you close in my thoughts.

  9. Hang in there. Today you are pregnant.

  10. Annissa says:

    My beta’s didn’t double exactly either. Sometimes it was lower than we expected – sometimes WAY higher … with one of my kids, it was in the twins range – but no twins… with my middle two – it depended but…. as long as the numbers are increasing – it’s great 🙂

    I cramped A LOT with my pregnancies … a lot :/ Which always had me on edge too. It’s hard to not worry when you’ve had miscarriages 😦

    {{{HUGS}}} I hope today brings good news!

    Stopping by from ICLW (#86)

  11. katery says:

    i know how you feel. i was totally convinced something would go wrong the whole time i was pregnant, so much so that i never really allowed myself to connect with my daughter in utero. i wish i had been able to spend a little time actually enjoying my pregnancy, but i was just too scared.

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