We are still waiting to see what is going on in that uterus of mine. Hopefully good things. I’ve been strangely calm waiting for the ultrasound. We had to skip the early ultrasound since I had to leave town unexpectedly last week. Instead our ultrasound will be this week and hopefully late enough for us to see the heartbeat. Until then, we continue waiting. I keep looking for signs that things are still progressing. I’m still exhausted but the cramps have stopped. As of 5w5d, I’ve been nauseated pretty much all day. Not bad, just like a mild hangover. I’m taking that as a good sign.
I feel like I need to be doing something, but there’s really nothing to do but wait. I did take a golf lesson today. That was fun and a nice distraction. I have been completely unable to work though. My mind just isn’t in it. Anyway, I apologize for the lack of information, but for now we will continue to believe that no news is good news. And hopefully we will have good news to share soon.
I’m on my way to San Diego for a last minute trip to see the family. We will return to our regularly scheduled ramblings when I return on Monday.
I finally finished item #1 on my to do list. I think it turned out quite nice, although it is clearly homemade. I think the errors make it special, right? Unfortunately, I can’t share it with you because the recipient may be reading this, and I’d hate to ruin the surprise. I also attempted to make the shade for the kitchen, but it turns out having an 80 year old house with 80 year old windows means the windows are not a standard size. So I can’t find a blind that fits in the window. I guess that one is a fail.
After finishing the baby gift this morning, I realized just how many baby gifts I have made over the years. I love making baby gifts. They are fun, quick and you can get away with things for babies that you just can’t do for adults.
I’ve made hats:
I knit/crochet blankets:
And I knit sweaters, baby shoes and the occasional lamb:
I even made a quilt once:
I have a few more gifts for friends to figure out. And then maybe one day I’ll feel ready to make something that we’ll get to keep. I’m not there yet though… hopefully soon.
Not a lot of news for the next few weeks… just a lot of waiting. It’s just me and the dog this weekend, hopefully we will be able to keep ourselves entertained. And because it is Friday, and because I have nothing else to talk about, my three favorite things from today:
1. Dry Soda Wild Lime. It makes me think I’m drinking a margarita, when really I’m just drinking soda water. Their Juniper Berry makes you think you drinking a gin and tonic, but I can never find that flavor anywhere.
2. Lululemon yoga pants. Seriously. The best $90 I have ever spent. I can’t believe I didn’t give in and get a pair of these sooner!
3. My goofy dog who in the 15 minutes since I’ve been home has brought me a red tug of war toy, a squeaky bear, a ring toy, a skunk carcass and is now lying in the middle of the floor quietly whining because I won’t play with him until I finish my work.
This weekend I hope to finish the to do list. However, if it is sunny, I have no intention of staying inside, so don’t hold your breath. Happy Friday!
This is what an OPK looks like when your beta is 675.
Because I had nothing else in the house to pee on, and I wanted some proof that yes, I am still pregnant.
That’s right, beta #3 increased by 150% so we are very much still in the game. I know we still have a ways to go (and this cramping is not helping me to forget that!). But I need to believe that whatever higher power is out there wouldn’t let us go through everything we’ve been through, only to let us get this far and have it not work out. Again. So I’m back to believing it worked. I think the next few weeks will be much more enjoyable if I am happy.
First, thank you everyone for thinking positive thoughts for me when I’m too exhausted to do so for myself. I feel a little better today. One, I googled “cramping in early pregnancy” enough to convince myself that what I am experiencing could be completely normal. And two, I took another pregnancy test and yes, I am still very much pregnant.
So while we wait for today’s blood test which should give us the definitive (for now) answer to “did this work?” I give you my peeing on a stick experiment. Please enjoy:
I’m a scientist. I like to experiment. If we make it past 6 weeks, I won’t know why. I changed too many variables this time. We did PIO instead of Crinone. I stopped running. I gave up caffeine. I went back to acupuncture. I started meditation. We took a 5 month break. I stopped worrying about “deadlines.”
I have still been engaging in some experimentation though. You may recall my OPK experiment with FET#1, where I determined a positive OPK could predict a positive HPT. I replicated this experiment with this cycle:
OPKs, note the darkening at 10 dpo and the clear positive at 12 dpo
HPTs. Note the faint positive at 10dpo, with progressive darkening to 12dpo
So as you can see, by the time the OPK is clearly positive, you will get a +HPT. In fact, you can get a +HPT before the OPK is clearly positive. But if the line on the OPK is not getting any darker, then you can probably predict a BFN (as I did with several cycles during our break).
So while I do not have a well controlled study to explain why the outcome of this cycle might be different than previous, I think I have firmly established the role of Wondfo OPKs in predicting a positive HPT. Too bad I can’t write this up for publication. I think it is a much better experiment than the one I have spent the last two years working on!
I wish I was the type of person who got a positive pregnancy test and thought, “Yay! We are going to have a baby!” Instead, I’m the kind of person who gets a positive pregnancy test and two appropriately increasing blood tests and proceeds to have a panic attack. Why? Because everything is too normal, and everything was perfectly normal last time and we all know how that turned out.
Beta #1 was 153, beta #2 was 269. The general belief is the the level should double every 48 hours. It didn’t, but according to Dr. Google, doubling time should be 48 to 72 hours and mine was 58 hours so perfectly normal. I keep hoping for something different this time though. A higher first beta… a stronger increase to the second beta… anything that makes me feel like we are heading towards a different outcome. So far it has all been the same, and the sameness terrifies me.
I called my acupuncturist as soon as the panic set it, and luckily she was able to get me in for an emergency session. I lay down and promptly started crying. I’ve been holding it together for too long. My positive facade finally broke and I realized just how terrified I am. I felt better after the session. I went for a much needed post-dinner walk with the husband and the dog. But I’m still scared.
I want so badly to continue my positive line of thinking, because I really feel like that is the only thing I have control over. But I also worry that it is too much pressure to put on myself. I am hopeful. These are our “underdog” embryos, and I’ve always been a big believer in the underdogs. I am scared. I’m afraid of what tomorrow’s blood test will show. I’m afraid that this low grade cramping I’ve had all week is something more than side effects from the progesterone or implantation. But today, I am still pregnant. So I’m going to do my best to focus on that since that is really the only thing that matters.